Monster in the Closet is a 1986 film written and directed by BoB Dahlin. It was distributed by the cinema savior, Troma Entertainment.
The Tagline reads: "IT'S OUT! IT'S OUT! IT'S OUT!"
The cast is very recognizable:
The lms stars:
Donald Grant as Richard Clark
Denise DuBarry as Professor Diane Bennett
Henry Gibson as Dr. Phillip Pennyworth (The Burbs)
Howard Du as Father Martin Finnegan (working actor, married Ida Lupino).
Donald Moat as General Franklin D. Turnbull (The Thing)
Paul Walker as "Professor" Bennett
Claude Akins as Sheri Sam Ketchem (Twilight Zone),
Frank Ashmore as Scoop Johnson (V !)
Jesse White as Ben Bernstein (working actor!))
Stella Stevens as Margo (Playmate, Poseidon Adventure)
Paul Dooley as Roy (Sixteen Candles)
John Carradine as Old Joe Shempter
Stacy Ferguson as Lucy [FERGIE]
Kevin Peter Hall as The Monster (the Predator)
So I was recommended this on Tubi. The poster is a sort of monster hand coming out of a closet and I found reminiscent (tonally) of ‘My Mom's a Werewolf’. It is better than 'My Mom’s a Werewolf' but still a bit hokey. I was shocked by how overtly queer the movie is. Ok I know that sounds dumb given the title but I really just thought it was going to be a silly Troma movie about a monster in the closet. W ell yes, it is. But also, it’s so much more.
Opens with the red backlit skyline logo - Llyde Kaufman and Michael Herz Present: A Troma Team Release:
So you know you’re in store for something amazing.
“The most mysterious, unexplainable, and inexplicable events often take place in the most ordinary places” we’re told by opening narration as an intertitle ‘Chestnut Hills, California’ pops on screen. The narration continues, “places like the small, quiet, college town of Chestnut Hills. Usually these seemingly unexplainable occurrences are eventually explained. But, every so often they remain mysteriously inexplicable.” Another intertitle tells us it’s ‘Wednesday. April the twenty-first’. The narration continues over a montage of kills, “Sometimes it is best to accept the unexplainable. Rather than to search in vain for inexplicable explanations. For some things are simply unexplainable. The movie you are about to see is one of them.
While this is going on we are treated to some opening kills:
Blonde college girl in a sorority, Mary Lou Caudewell - Delta Phi Pi Sorority. It was eleven-fifteen am. Tom Selleck Poster.
Friday, April the twenty-third, nine-forty seven pm: blind man [John Carradine] who is trying to abuse his dog… OMG the monster killed the DOG!
The following Monday or Tuesday, April the twenty-sixth or twenty-seventh, three fifteenish: a little girl [Fergie] is killed by the monster in the closet.
Cue opening credits.
OMG the dude doing the intertitles has never worked so much in a movie.
We open in San Francisco, California. Wednesday, May the sixteenth, at The Daily Globe, it’s nine-thirty three am the reporters are reporting.
We meet our thick bespectacled wearing hero, Richard Clark… and they should have just called this hunk Clark Kent. He would have been perfect casting for Superman. He’s clearly a nerdy guy who wants to prove himself. He got the job because his uncle owns the paper and that makes him self-conscious but he clearly believes in himself and advocates for himself. His issue is he wears those glasses so he has to act bumbling.
Clark goes to talk to the editor, Chief, Mr. Bernstein, Ben [Jesse White]. Ben seems nice. Clark wants to write something more and he’s hesitant to ask… currently he writes obituaries.
Note: I will be referring to the character as Clark and only as Clark.
A hot shot reporter, creatively named Scoop [Frank Ashmore, V] comes in, and antagonizes our hero! Scoop literally pulls an old story from three weeks ago out of the trash and hands it to Clark to work on. ‘3rd Closet Murder Baffles Chestnut Hills Police.’ Alright interesting story, “three people found dead within a week, each body found with two mysterious puncture marks on it…” my god… vampires in San Francisco! Anne Rice was right!
Clark is overwhelmed with gratitude and eagerness to get a story like this!
He drives 50mi north of San Francisco, while eating a candy bar, to the Chestnut Hills Sheriff’s Department, arriving at one ten p.m.. There he meets Professor, a nerdy child doing experiments [Paul Walker, yeah that one]. Clark buys two more candy bars and gives one to Professor even though he states he’s not allowed to eat candy. Two chocolate bars later… his mom, Diane Benett, is rightfully angry.
We learn later she’s a Professor of Biology at the University (Chestnut Hills University). So obviously she’s a health nut…. I assume she’s a doctor so I’ll be calling her Dr. Diane.
I think it’s important to note but also ignore the boom mic in the shot at one point. Look, Clark is tall. We understand!
Does anyone remember Crunch bars…? Man I loved those.
Sheriff Ketchem [Claude Akins, Twilight Zone]... and Clark talk about the murders. Sheriff Ketchem chews tobacco and therefore I hate every second of screen time this man has. EW!
Dr. Diane believes the closet monster could be a snake, whereas Sheriff Ketchem believes it to be a homicidal maniac.
Sheriff Ketchem takes him to where they found Mary Lou.
Meanwhile, in the building next door, at two-seventeen p.m. a woman is showering…. In The shower. I believe the actress is Stella Stevens [Playboy, Poseidon Adventure]. Her husband Roy, [Paul Dooley, Sixteen Candles] interrupts. They play on both the Psycho trope and rule of three but subvert expectations by having the man be taken by the Monster in the Closet, not the woman in the shower. Love that she wasn’t in peril. He was.
Side note HOLY HELL that was some water pressure!!!
Also Stella Steves is around 45 years old - I don’t know something about seeing a woman in her 40s in the shower still being seen as someone to sexualize, who doesn’t seem to have had work done is nice. Like, older women exist and are beautiful too. Damn.
Sheriff Ketchem and Clark hear Stella scream about her husband being killed by something in the closet. She’s hysterical. Sheriff Ketchem and Clark run upstairs to check things out.
Clark finds a… tooth or claw. I’m not sure but he pockets evidence. So that’s smart and helpful.
Cut to - Clark at the University waiting to speak with Dr. Diane. Hey, what happened to the intertitles? Where are we? When are we!?!?
Here we meet… Dr. Pennyworth [Henry Gibson, Blues Brothers + The Burbs]. He is Einstein. Anyway he invites Clark to Dr. Diane’s for dinner then analyzes the claw. He decides to run some tests on it. Clark eagerly agrees to go to Dr. Diane’e for dinner even though she pretty clearly does not want him there. Welp they’re going to fall in love.
Cut to night time at Dr. Diane’s… fucking massive dollhouse looking mansion. They are eating a healthy dinner. Wait! They’re eating eggplant and for dessert cucumber pudding. Well that’s phallic!
Dr. Diane is there, with her son Professor, Dr. Pennyworth, and a priest? Father Finnegan who I will just call Catholic [Howard Duff]. Pennyworth and Catholic gay talk about not killing a roach. They disagree about the reason why… But that’s not important because of what Clark is doing during this conversation.
While this is happening… omg… Dr. Diane sees Clark take his glasses off. The camera zooms in while she makes lustful heart eyes at him (mouth open, head tilted) because guess what, CLARK IS HOT! He looks perplexed.
Professor and Clark go into the attic to look at Professor’s invention. I don’t know… science stuff with a xylophone. They hear someone screaming in the street below and go to check.
The cops, including Sheriff Ketchem show up.
The Closet comes out of the closet.
He leaves the house and approaches the Sheriff. Ketchem stands his ground. It is a long un-tense scene. Sheriff shoots at the Closet Monster who is unphased and then Closet Monster kills the sheriff.
Umm the look of the closet monster… umm… it’s ok. It’s weird. It has like a xenomorph or Graboid tongue situation. It has the look of… well… feces. Oh and he is LOUD. Jfc! This thing makes way too much noise. I actually hate it.
He’s played by The Predator, no really, the same guy, Kevin Peter Hall.
The Closet Monster is shot at by the police. This does not seem to phase him. He flips over a cop car for good measure.
Then the monster disappears.
News articles!
Monster Attacks Small Town in California
Closet Creature Claims 5th Victim
President Declares National Emergency
We learn from news coverage that the troops, army divisions, and reserves have been deployed - should be National Guard… but whatever. They tell people to put locks on their closet doors.
General Franklin D. Turnbull, who I will call Army, [Donald Moffat, The Thing] is in charge. Dr. Pennyworth is working with him, for reasons. Scoops is now on the case!
Ok so the Monster came out of the closet and now the Army is trying to destroy him… ok. That sounds about right.
The movie is about boring for a while.
Clark has low self esteem. Scoops steals his story.
Scoops goes to Dr. Diane’s house to talk to Dr. Pennyworth and insults Clark, who also went to Dr. Diane’s with flowers. Awe you awkward hot reporter. Dr. Diane really doesn’t care at all about Scoops. She spots Clark trying to sneak away and invites him in. She’s not wearing her glasses so she’s hot now too.
Ok Dr. Pennyworth and Catholic Father are arguing again and I should have been paying attention because this is clearly a theme. I just don’t care. Catholic is like ‘bah the Closet Monster is one of God’s creatures!’ and again Dr. Pennyworth isn’t really disagreeing with him, he just wants to go about things differently. Obviously he wants to study (communicate) the monster, not kill it. Contrast them with the Army guy who wants to kill it, no questions asked, call it a day. [they want him to go back in the closet]
OMG! Clark takes his glasses off to clean them and poor Dr. Diane is defenseless. He is a danger. He’s too damn hot! Keep the glasses on Clark! You temptress!
Professor apparently recorded the monster and that gives Dr. Pennyworth an idea.
Umm the story gets a bit Close Encounters. I liken it to a mating call.
Dr. Pennyworth, Dr. Diane, Hot Clark (eating a chocolate bar), and Catholic go around playing the xylophone to lure out the Closet Monster. Whose house are they in?
Scoop shows up. They go outside and Scoop talks to Dr. Pennyworth.
They continue to go around playing the xylophone, looking for the Closet Monster. They get apprehended by the Army.
The army does monster math and predicts where Closet Monster will show up, Watson Elementary School, where Professor is, at 7:12 at night!. Everyone rushes over. The monster in the background walking around is SO funny.
Closet Monster gets Professor and Hunky Clark saves him. It’s actually so dumb. Everyone is standing back doing nothing as Clark just runs over and tries to pull Professor out of Closet Monster’s hands. Clark gets Professor then, like cowards, they run outside.
Dr. Pennyworth breaks out the xylophone. It’s almost played like a romance scene with swelling orchestra music… but then Closet Monster kills Dr. Pennyworth.
As he’s dying Dr. Pennyworth tries to tell them how to stop the Closet Monster but does finish, he just gets out “we must destroy all…”
The Army guy is evacuating Chestnut Falls… but the Closet Monster is already global…
We learn from new anchors that the President and the UN are… idk talking… they’re having meetings about the threat of the Closet Monster…
Cut to! Dr. Pennyworth’s funeral with Catholic, Dr. Diane, Professor, and Clark.
I’m sorry Catholic… your every line is “it’s better to be alive than dead.” and… yeah, no shit.
Scoop shows up at the funeral to ask questions. Hawt Clark and Scoop get heated, with their words. Clark punches Scoop; knocks him flat out. But! Oh no! Clark’s glasses fall off. Dr. Diane is enraptured - same thing close up, head tilt, mouth hanging open… Clark looking confused.
Dr. Diane thinks she knows how to stop the Closet Monster. She sends Professor off with Catholic. Dr. Diane tries to convince Army to use electricity to stop the monster. She and Clark remain in Chestnut Hills to kill the Closet Monster.
Building the trap montage!
Chestnut Hills (deserted) - approaching twelve midnight
Clark and Dr. Diane are broadcasting her playing the xylophone song at her house. He is eating another Crunch bar. Is there a joke there I don’t get?
Closet Monster shows up! Breaks down the door.
Long story short. Their plan fails. Electricity does not hurt Closet Monster.
They’re chased upstairs into the attic.
Turns of Professor stayed behind… somehow… and Catholic I guess didn’t care to tell Dr. Diane? Anyway he tries to take down Closet Monster and that too fails.
But. Oh. My. Hunky Clark’s glasses fall off and Closet Monster is enraptured! It’s the same thing we’ve seen with Diane, head tilt, jaw drop, close up lustful staring.
And I cackled!
Closet Monster picks up Hawt Clark and carries him bridal style off in search of a closet.
He carries him all over in search of a closet. And people watch on as the Closet Monster carries Clark around…
New article: Closet Creature Marches Toward San Francisco! Newspaper Reporter in wrong place at wrong time.
Dr. Diane goes on air and tells people to “destroy all closets”...
We are treated to a montage of people wreaking havoc…. It’s ridiculous. Like shit take your clothes out first! Omg don’t burn your house down… smh
Closet Monster carries this man to San Francisco… to the last closet.
The closet is in the Transamerica building…. If there is a joke there I don’t know. I really tried to look.
While this is happening Catholic, Professor, and Dr. Diane are listening to reporters talk about Clark and Closet Monster in Church…. Interesting.
Closet Monster realizes they both don’t fit into the closet and rather than return to the closet alone, Closet Monster decides to leave the building with Clark in arms and go back out into the world with his man and die… he dies.
Side note - Clark is making no attempts to get away! He’s just like making eyes at the monster.
When the monster dies everyone leaves Church to check on Clark.
JFC Clark’s glasses are gone and Dr. Diane is gone. She’s sent. It’s the end of her. No seriously she never gets a line in, just spends the rest of the movie staring at him in awe.
He responds to reporters’ questions.
Catholic says: “it wasn’t the closet, it was beauty killed the beast.” a line from King Kong.
Ben is there too - Clark’s editor. He’s going to get to write an article.
We close out with the broadcaster - who was the narrator from the beginning: “and the end came swiftly, and the world was saved. It was improbable, unexplainable, a complete mystery. But this isn’t the time for worrying about explanations. It’s a time for joy and celebration. A time to hold your loved ones and give thanks. Go home my friends. Go back. And rebuild your closets.”
The End.
What is the moral of this story…? I actually don’t know.
Queer people stay in the closet because it isn’t safe out here - but maybe love is worth dying for?
Thanks for listening,
Stay with the rainbows gays and ghouls. Le Gault out!
Comments